Thing about your husband-- and this is nothing against him...
because I really like him--
he comes from a very male-dominated society.
Because I wanna be a cowboy, baby
With the top let back and the sunshine shinin'
Cowboy, baby
West coast chillin' with the Boon's wine
Wanna be a cowboy, baby
Ridin' at night 'cause I sleep all day
Cowboy, baby
I can smell a pig from a mile away
Let me put it this way--
my horse is definitely not my best friend.
That's why they call me a cowboy, baby
With the top let back and the sunshine shinin'
Cowboy, baby
Okay, Chon, now, people start looking at you funny...
all you gotta say is, "Howdy, partner."
- Howdy, partner? - Faster than that or people will think you're slow in the head.
- Howdy, partner. - Howdy, partner. -Just follow my lead.
- Howdy, partner. - Howdy, partner.
-Just park it right there.
It's not working.
I guess some people aren't as tolerant as I am. Not very friendly today.
Chon, what--
- Chon-- - Ow. Hurt.
Okay. We gotta work on that.
Here you go, Chon. Straighten up here.
- Roy, it hurts so bad. - I know, Chon.
But I'm not gonna walk with you if you walk like that. Come on.
I'll be okay.
- Hey, Roy. It's you. - Holy shit!
I'm a wanted man. Look at this!
- 500 bucks! That's a lot of money. - Let me see.
- Nice picture. - Careful, careful.
Wow, look at this. Do you know what this means?
- This will drive the girls crazy. - Really?
Yes, really. Come on, let's get a couple more of these.
- It's not bad. - I'm wanted too!
- What? - This.
Oh, come on. That's not right.
I know. I'm not from Shanghai.
No! $ 1 ,000 for a sidekick?
- You gotta be kidding me. - Be careful.
Justice system's all screwed up.
Man can't even ride a horse, and that's a really cool nickname-- Shanghai Kid.
It's like, got a snap to it that--
Uh-oh, trouble. Chon, come here. Get over here.
Tie 'em up over here, fellas.
Get in here!
- What's going on? - Shh.
Howdy, partner.
Oh, my God, it's a posse. They can't be looking for us.
- What's " posse" ? - Oh, I think they're passing us by.
It looked like Marshal Nathan Van Cleef, the psychotic killer.
Roy O'Bannon! This is Marshal Nathan Van Cleef.
- Ohh! - We know you're hidin' in there.
Oh, God, it is him. It is him.
I want you to throw down your six-shooters and come out with your hands up.
And that goes for the scum you're ridin' with too.
- He won. - Roy, Roy, it's okay.
No, it's not okay! Stop! You don't know this guy! Stop!
Let me talk to them. Remember, we have to save the princess.
What are you doin'? St--
- Go easy, fellas. - Why are they shooting at me? - Oh, yeah.
What happened to "Mr. Shanghai Kid" ? " Ooh, I'm a wanted man" ?
- Why? -'Cause you're an outlaw.
- I am not an outlaw! - Stop! You're a bad guy!
- Look at that poster. What does that say? - Drives girls crazy.
Drives girls crazy? Drives the posse crazy. Makes them want to hang you...
string you up, because you're a bad guy.
- You got 20 seconds, O'Bannon. - Aw, God! Give us a minute!
Go around back, gentlemen. Make sure he isn't trying to...
pull the saddle over our eyes.
Remember, I want the Chinaman alive.
- I'm not a bad guy. - You're a bad guy. You're with me, you're a bad guy.
You put me in this situation! I'm the good guy! You're the bad guy!
- No, we're both bad guys! - No, only you're the bad guy!
- No! I'm not going out there! - You go out to tell them!
- You go out there! No! - No, you have to go! Go!
- I just do that? - Not bad.
I don't know karate, but I know crazy, and I will use it.
What the hell is going on in there?
You okay?
- You just threw me through a window. - You got that gold?
- What? Gold? What gold? - Wrong answer.
Wait.
I don't have-- I'm unarmed. I'm unarmed!
No gun. Hold on. No gun. I don't -- I'm unarmed!
- You can't shoot an unarmed man. - Don't worry. I help you.
No. Chon. No, no, Chon! Chon.
Fight with honor, you will win.
Are you friggin' insane? Is that what they teach you in Imperial Guard school?
Pick 'em up.
Well, if it ain't the Shanghai Kid.
How 'bout we make the Kid dance?
Dance. Oh, come on. You can do better than that.
You robbed the wrong train, son.
- Look, Marshal, I think that if you just-- - You shut up and put on your guns.
This is serious, you know?
- They don't come back from this. - That's the general idea.
What the hell you doin'?
- Stop procrastinating. Come on. Hurry up, son. - Stop it.
I'm not gonna let you cheapen it. Right? This is a duel.
It's a sacred thing. It's beautiful. It's what separates us from the animals.
- Mmm. - Oh, yeah.
Hoo! I do not envy you. You ready?
Why don't you turn and face me like a man?
Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way? How about that?
Aw, come on, Roy. You can do it. Oh, no, you can't . He's gonna kill ya.
- One. - He's gonna blow you away.
Come on, Roy. Don't think like that.
- Two. - Oh, yeah.
Be positive. Be the bullet. Be the lead bullet.
- I'm about to die! - Three.
Roy!
Duel's off.
Roy!
You blew it, Chon! Never interrupt a man in the middle of a duel!
I had him. That's what kills me. I had him. I had him!
Now you know how it feels to haul you around in that sedan chair.
I will never bow to you.
Take a good look at these faces.
If you attempt to escape...
I will kill one worker every hour...
until you are found.
Starting with this one.
Do not let him see you suffer.
I know who you are.
Please, tell no one.
You call this a special hideout?
Yes, it is, Chon. It's also a good place to gather intelligence...
'cause no one passes through Carson City without these people hearin' about it.
- Would you ask them about the princess? - Yes, sir, I will.
And I don't care how ugly it gets. I'm not gonna rest...
till I've pumped everybody in there for information, okay?
- Hi, Roy. - Hello, ladies.
- Roy. - Make way for a couple of desperados.
- Nice to see you again, Mr. O'Bannon. - Greetings.
- Hello. - Hello.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna get some information here. Trust me.
- This is not a proper hiding place. - Oh, come on, Chon.
Let's relax for a little bit. Here, have a drink.
- No. I wanna find the princess. - So do I.
But we can't exactly go door-to-door in Carson City looking for her.
- Don't forget, we're wanted men. - Only because of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's my fault.
So what's the princess like?
Chon, what's the princess like? Is she pretty?
- Is she a pain in the neck? I-- I-- - You're not fit to talk about her.
Chon, you better remember where you are.
This is the West. It's not the East, remember?
-It's a-- -And the sun may rise where I come from.
Blah, blah, blah. I know.
Okay, good. You remember. Is she single?
- What? - Is she single? Is she married?
- Is she available? - Only to a member of the Imperial family.
Are you a member of the Imperial family?
- I don't think so. - Was that a joke, Chon?
Tha-- That was a joke. Chon, that was your first joke.
We gotta have a toast. Your first joke. Yes!
- No. - Yes. Come on. Drink.
-Just one. - Okay.
But don't talk about the princess anymore.
Word of honor.
It'd be fun to play a drinking game.
- You know any Chinese drinking games? - No.
Every country has a drinking game. You must know one.
Just one?
- Uno mas. One more. Uno mas. - Uno ma-- What? Okay.
One more.
I'm so lost, Chon.
Ninety percent of the time I don't even know what I'm doin' ..
out here in the West.
- Terrible outlaw. - No, you are good outlaw.
- Stop, please. I'm a screwup. - No, I am screwup.
- No. - Look at my scar.
One for arriving late at, uh, guard duty.
One for dropping fighting stick. You good. I saw you.
The only thing I'm good at is talking.
- It's true. - Chon?
- Huh? - Take your hand off me, Chon.
Oh.
- One more game? - No.
No more drinking. That's it.
- I'm not-- - Uno mas?
No mas, Chon. No mas.
What?
- Are you coming? - Fifi?
Uno mas?
So, who's your funny-looking friend?
I don't know. He's this-- He's this crazy Imperial Guard that I met.
He's -- He's really funny.
He's stupid. The guy's hysterical.
We were just playing-- Did you see us? We were just playing that game.
And Chon's going-- And I was goin'- -
- 'Cause you can't understand most of what he's sayin', but we're-- - Roy?
- I mean, I was just, like-- - Roy? Roy? I never figured you...
for ridin' with a Chinaman.
Well, I'm not exactly riding with him, Fifi.
He's not my friend.
You know, he's -- I mean, he's a Chinaman.
Well, that's good.
We-- Did you really?
Were you guys talking like I was?
You know, let's talk about something else.
Don't you look delicious?
- What's going on? - Well.
- If it isn't the Shanghai Kid. - You.
Here.
Oh.
Thank you.
Ah, thank you.
Uno mas?
Chon, come on. We gotta get goin' Marshal's downstairs.
No. No. Marshal's in there.
Man, Chon, what'd you do to him? Come on. Let's get goin'
- No. I don't want to ride with you. - Come on, Chon.
- No! Go! - Damn, you're a mean drunk.
Go away. Hi, horsey.
All right. Shh, shh, shh. All right. It's time for a yee-haw.
- "Yee-haw" ? - Aw, shh, shh, shh. A Roy O'Bannon special.
We jump off, land on the back of the horse, yell "Yee-haw," and ride off.
- Huh? - All right?
Watch me and do exactly as I do it. Yee-haw!
Okay. Yah! Yah!
- Where's the head? - Chon!
- Chon, get up! - Tie 'em up.
What happen my horse?
- Is he dead? - No, but we are, Chon.
- Ah, horsie.Just sleeping. - Get up.
Mmm.
Mighty impressive hardware you're packin'
Why don't you get your eyes off my package, you twisted son of a bitch.
- I hope that's him leaving. - Your turn.
Thank you, Mr. Van Cleef.
Well, well, what have we here?
Mr. O'Bannon, I presume.
Can I get a drink of water? I got cotton mouth.
Don't mention it.
This must be the famous Shanghai Kid.
- Chon Wang. - Lo Fong?
You remember your old comrade in arms, hmm?
- I remember a traitor. - Hey, I'm sensin' some bad blood here.
- Where's the gold? - Where's Princess Pei Pei?
Stop. Come on. We're men. We're not pinatas.
Okay? And we're really hungover.
We're not tryin' to be tough guys. You wanna talk about the gold?
- Let's talk about the gold. - So you have my gold?
- Your gold? - Yes, we have the gold.
- Where is it? - The gold's in a safe place.
Is he telling the truth?
No.
Ow! Nice, Chon. Way to go.
- Way to think on your feet. - He cannot lie.
- He is bound by Imperial decree. - Imperial decree.
When are you gonna learn you're not in China anymore?
He will never learn. He can only follow orders.
At least I still have my honor.
Slaves have no honor.
- No! - Hey!
Now you can never go back to China.
You blew it. Whoo, you blew it, man.
You did not wanna cut his hair off, trust me.
Nothin' personal, boys.
My loyalty is to the emperor.
Yeah, Chon, I've heard all about the emperor.
Must be a hell of a man.
He's only 1 2.
Are you kidding me? You're sitting here with a noose around your neck...
ready to die for someone whose balls haven't even dropped?
By virtue of the authority vested in me through the territory of Nevada...
I do hereby order these men to hang by their necks...
until their feet quit kickin'
You're goin' to hell, boys...
and your horses are takin' you there.
Tighten 'em up.
Hang 'em! Hang 'em! Hang 'em!
- Hang 'em! Hang 'em! - Hang 'em!
- Hang 'em! Hang 'em! - Hey, watch it, you little punk!
Hang 'em! Hang 'em! Hang 'em! Hang 'em!
- Hang 'em! Hang 'em! Hang 'em! - Chon, what are you doin'?
What the hell is goin' on here? Stop them horses! Stop 'em!
Pull it!
I'm back
- I'm back in the saddle again - Help me!
I'm back
I'm back in the saddle again
You listen to this creek, Chon.
You never notice what a beautiful melody a creek makes.
Never taken the damn time.
And look at these mountains and these trees.
Look at these green trees. Come here. I don't even know the names.
We're gonna learn the names of these green trees. Come here.
I want you to look at the--
Can we not-- Chon, what are you doing?
What, are you still worried about your hair?
Chon, listen to me. You're very vain.
By the time you're 70, your queue-- your ponytail--
will be as good as new.
- What are you doing? - I'm leaving.
Can we not take two seconds, Chon? We just cheated death.
Come on. Let's look at these mountains for a second.
Okay, let me get my stuff. God, you're unbelievable.
I'm going alone.
What are-- Chon, what are you talking about?
I heard you.
You heard me, okay.
At Goldie's .
You said I wasn't your friend.
Chon--
Hold on a second, Chon. I was talking to a girl. I d--
That was-- That's taken out of context.
- That's not-- - Roy, you were right.
How could I ever be your friend?
I'm just a Chinaman.
Hold on, Chon. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be--
Sayonara, Roy.
Wait here.
Please.
You have come a long way.
I hope the princess you seek is worthy of such devotion.
It is my duty to bring her home.
I even brought her favorite book.
That's very kind of you.
But what if you found the princess...
and she did not wish to go back to the Forbidden City?
Why would she want to stay here?
Maybe she can do more for the people here...
than she could back in China.
Princess Pei Pei!
Please, don't draw attention.
Please, stand up!
Princess, you have to come with me.
I cannot. Fong cannot find me missing.
Princess, I cannot leave you here.
Please, stand up!
Don't bow. Get up!
Get up!
You must go.
If I leave, Fong will begin to kill the others.
It is my duty to bring you home.
I command you to go.
Go. Go!
Reach for the sky, baldy. That's right.
It's Roy. Am I interrupting?
I followed you. So what? What am I supposed to do?
Let you wander off? You're a greenhorn.
You'll get killed out here.
Come on! We gotta adios out of here, partner! Come on!
Yah! Ya gotta stick with me.
Don't forget, we got a princess to save.
Give my regards to the emperor, Princess.
Chon Wang?
- Chon Wang? - Chon Wang?
That's right.Johnny Wayne is here.
Hey, it's me. Why'd you cut his hair?
I tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen.
Go on, drop the gun. Now slide it over.
Is that her?
She's pretty. Grab her.
Come on, we'll take it from here, guys.
Chon, what-- Chon, get up. What are y--
I thought we were past this. Come on, Chon!
Do you see? He will always be a slave.
This is the West...
not the East.
And the sun may rise...
where we come from...
but here is where it sets.
Do you want me to translate? Princess stays.
The princess stays.
I grab the gold. You marry the princess.
We both hang Fong. Call it a day. Mission accomplished.
Well, well.
Nice to see we're all churchgoers.
Son of a bitch! With my own guns!
Sweet, ain't it?
How about that? It's a Mexican standoff.
Only we ain't got no Mexicans.
No!
Do as I say!
- I hit you? - No, but you're gettin' really close.
You've almost killed me, like, 1 7 times already.
Eighteen, nineteen, twenty.
You're on fire today!
- How do you survive out here? - What's that supposed to mean?
Th-These are my-- These guns are really weird.
Oh, man.
Maybe we should let bygones be bygones.
You got off some good shots. I got off some good ones.
Let's call it a tie.
What's the matter, O'Bannon? Out of bullets?
No, I got one left.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll take out all my bullets but one...
and that way we'll be even.
How's that?
Okay, that sounds fair.
- You'd do that for me? - Oh, yeah.
You bet I would.
- We come out on three. - Okay, b-b-but let me count.
Fight with honor. Fight with--
Okay. One, two...
two and a half, two and seven-eighths, three!
How the hell did that happen?
A miracle.
I am invincible.
Roy!
Invincible!
- Now it's time for you to die. - Adios, partner.
Wow!
Roy!
He took the gold.
Is that all you care about's the gold?
Shame on you.
There's more to life than money. I hope you learn that one day.
- What happened? - What? Nothin', nothin'
- I just killed him. How'd you do? - How?
What do you mean "how?" I shot him with my gun.
- Come on. Tell me the truth. - It was unbelievable.
You missed a miracle. I had one bullet left.
He had, like, a million left. I came-- He lied to me...
and told me that he only had one too, but he-- wh-when he-- wh-wh--
- She's staying? - Yes.
- Can I stand? - Yes.
- Get down! - Reach for the sky, O'Bannon!
That's my line. He stole my gang. He's stealing my lines.
- It's unbelievable. - Roy! Roy! Come back!
- Stop, stop. It's Wallace. - All right!
We know you been moonlightin' on us with that Oriental fella from the train!
You guys, you stay here. This isn't your battle.
No, we stick together. We are partners.
That's beautiful.
- You go out the back door. - No.
Don't worry, Princess. I promise you, I will see you again.
That which you have promised you must perform.
Hey, Chon!
- Get out of the way! - All right!
- Come on! What are you-- - Away! No.
- What are you doing? Are you crazy? - No, Chon. Stop, stop.
They can't touch me. Something happened back there.
- It was a miracle. There's no other-- - Hey, smart ass! Ya hear me?
Now, time's up, old man! This is the end of the line!
We can take these guys.
- Yup, we can take 'em. - Are you comin' out or-- or ain't ya?
Gun.
You really are the Shanghai Kid.
Nice riding with you, partner.
We go out on three. I count.
No. I count.
We'll both count.
One, two, three.
- Indians! Look out! - Indians! My family! My family!
- Friends. Brothers! - Roy!
I gotta tell ya. We always figured you for a dumbshit, but it, uh--
We was thinkin' maybe you wanna come back and rejoin the gang.
- So, uh, what do ya say? - Yeah, what do ya say?
I think I'm just gonna wing it.
- I reckon you are goin' to jail. - That works too.
How, kimosabe.
How, kimosabe!
Oh, it's nice to be standing here next to you.
And I don't think I've ever gotten a chance to thank you for...
saving us so many times.
I wish you could understand what I w-- I feel like there's this gap between us.
It's like I'm a cowboy, you're an Indian.
You say wompom, I say money.
At a certain point, I just think tha--
Shut up, Roy. You talk too much.
Did-- Did-- Did she just--
There she is. Right on time. Carryin' a big, fat payroll.
Oh.
I don't know if I'll ever get used to this one.
Don't worry. You get used to it.
I guarantee we won't get half as many girls being lawmen.
I know we're spoken for, but...
you never know what's gonna happen in a relationship.
I gotta get rid of my outlaw name. That's not gonna work anymore.
Really? What would you call yourself?
I don't know. I mean, my real name's Wyatt Earp, but--
Earp? That's terrible name for a cowboy.
- Why? - Bad.
- Really? - Bad!
What, and Chon Wang's a great cowboy name?
Roy, look. There they are.
Yep. Look at those amateurs.
That's my move!
Come on, Roy. Let's go say howdy.
Let's go! Yah! Yah!
- Yee-haw! - Yee-haw!
That which you have promised you must perform.
Hello.
He was part of your regiment of a-- What? Wait a minute.
- He's one of your bandits. - He's one of your-- He's one of your--
He was part of your regiment of a dentist-- bendist. Dentist?
Wow! Sh-- Shit.
He didn't teeth brush this morning.
You'll lose this thing too. I'm gonna cut it off right there.
I can't do stunts, man.
'Cause I wanna be a cowboy, baby
And what's this princess like?
Air bubbles comin' out of my thing.
Uno mas, ple--
- 'Cause I wanna be a cowboy, baby - Uno m--
And the sunshine shinin'
One, two, three.
Shit!
- I'm back in the saddle again - Thank you so much, Princess.
I love you.
I'm talkin' to you! Turn around!
Ask me if I give a shit.
I might walk a little funny but my walk is me
I might stutter when I talk but I say what I see
I don't agree with every other little thing that's proven
I do a lot of things that I shouldn't be doin'
I ruin everything you might have had in mind
I'm a consistent, belligerent solidified find
Rhinestone freak, suburban star
I ain't got no money and I got no car
I might make par if it don't take much
See, I don't ride very far 'cause I ride on luck
I stay pretty stuck in a rut like I should
And I do it for the love of everything that's still good
I don't know why I come here
But I know I'll never leave
It's the only place I wanna be
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I don't know why I come here
But I know I'll never leave
It's the only place I wanna be
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, I'm a long way gone but I ain't short-lived
I got deep, deep pockets that leak like a sieve
I give 1 1 0 throughout the course of a night
And if I don't go home then I did things right
I'd like to settle down but I ain't that guy
'Cause everything I ever did I always did on the fly
I stay stuck in a rut like I should
You know, I do it for the love of everything that's still good
I don't know why I come here
But I know I'll never leave
It's the only place I wanna be
Yeah, yeah, yeah